Ancientpelican.com

I Guess There Is Still A Little Fun Left In Aviation

2008-09-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hang Up And Pee

2008-07-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

A few words about airport bathroom etiquette. Please don't talk on your phone while standing next to me at the urinal. Unless you're Larry Craig, the airport bathroom is not the place to close the deal. Yes, I understand you use a Bluetooth ear piece thereby allowing the use of both hands to conduct your urinary business, but you know what? That still doesn't make it okay. It's my opinion that 99% of Bluetooth users are not important enough to neccesitate the use of the device in the first place. Especially not in the can.

Speaking of urinals, I tend to be a stall man myself, but have been known to use the urinal on occasion. When I do I usually go to one of the far end units. Please, please, please don't sidle up next to me when we're the only two in the entire place. There are usually 7 to 10 urinals on a given wall. You do your business down there, I'll do mine right here. That is all.

Someone Needs To Throw A Net Over The TSA

2008-07-24T11:23:00.001-07:00

Okay, things have officially gotten out-of-hand.

Flying The Friendly Skies...No, Really!

2008-07-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Airline pilots taking it upon themselves to ease the pain of air travel. Now if the TSA would only get into the act.

The Interview

2008-07-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Airline Pilot Central.

I walked into the interview with a great deal of confidence and enthusiasm. Flying airplanes was my one true passion in this life. This was my big chance to merge my occupation with my love. I would become an airline pilot.

"So you want to be an airline pilot?" the interviewer inquired.

"Yes, sir, more than anything else I have ever wanted," I replied, realizing I sounded like an anxious adolescent.

"Well, great, welcome aboard," the airline executive said.

"You mean I'm hired?!" I cheered.

"You bet, we're glad to have you. Actually, we've had trouble finding good pilots to hire," the exec explained. If I was surprised, it was overshadowed by my joy of reaching my dream.

"Let's just go over a few points before you sign on the dotted line," the company man chortled. "We're going to send you to the world's most renowned medical center. They'll spend two days probing your body orifices, draining and analyzing your blood, and administering psychological exams. They'll literally take you apart and put you back together. If they find any hint of current or future problems, you're fired and can find your own ride home."

"Gee, I think my health is OK," I nervously choked out.

The manager went on, "Good, next we'll evaluate your flying skills in an aircraft you've never been in before. "If we don't like the way you perform, you're fired,"

I was confident with my flying, but this guy was making me nervous.

He continued, "Next, if you're still here, we'll run you through our training program. If during any time in the next 10 years you decide to leave the company, you'll have to reimburse us $20,000, or we'll sue you. Also if you fail to measure up during training, you're fired."

The man who had just given me my dream job listed still more hurdles. "Each time, before we allow you near one of our multimillion dollar aircraft we'll X-ray your flight bag and luggage, because we don't trust you. Also we'll ask you to pass through a magnetometer each time. If you fail to do so, you'll be arrested and jailed."

"When you've completed your flight, we'll have you provide a urine sample, because we don't trust you to not take drugs. Very soon, we plan to take a blood sample to look for more drugs. "Also if you ever fly with another crew member who may have used drugs or alcohol, you must report to us immediately. If you fail to notice that anyone has used these substances, you'll be fired, have your license to fly revoked, and be fined $10,000."

"Every six months, we want you to go back to the medical center for another exam. If they ever find a hint of a problem, your license to fly will be revoked and we'll fire you. Anytime you see a medical person, you must tell us about it so we can see if you need to be grounded and terminated. Also, we need to examine your driving record, and you must tell us if you have even any minor infractions so we can remove you from the cockpit as soon as possible."

"At any time, without notice, a special branch of the government will send one of its inspectors to ride in your aircraft. The inspector will demand to see your papers and license; if your papers are not in order, you'll be removed, fined, terminated, and possibly jailed."

"If at any time you make an error in judgment or an honest human mistake, you will be terminated, be fined tens of thousands of dollars, and be dragged through months of court proceedings. The government will make sure you never fly again for any airline."

"You will be well out of town most holidays, weekends, and family events - half our pilots are always on the job at any point in time.

Smiling an evil smile now, the airline hirer went on. "Oh, and one last thing to cover. Occasionally, we in management fail to see a trend and screw up royally or the country's economy falls flat on its face. If as a result of one of those events the corporation begins to lose money, you as an employee will be expected to make up the losses from your paycheck. Of course, management will not be held to the same standards.

Oh, and one last thing - if we negotiate pay and work rule concessions from you in the in exchange for a better pension plan, we probably won't fund that pension plan agreement (unlike the management pension plan and golden parachutes) and will likely have yanked it away from you."

"Now sign here," he pointed, grinning as he handed me a pen.

I faked a sudden nosebleed. Holding my head back and pinching my nostrils, I hurried from his office. When I got to the hall, I began to run. I ran all the way to my car. I figured if I hurried I could still get to the county vocational school before 5:00 and enroll in the industrial welding career program. !!

Operation Vittles

2008-06-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

Sixty years ago today two Douglas C-47's lifted off from Frankfurt, Germany enroute to Berlin Tempelhof airport in what would become the first flights of Operation Vittles, better known as the Berlin Airlift. Over the next 15 months the USAF and the Royal Air Force would conduct 277,569 flights to Berlin delivering a staggering 2.3 million tons of provisions to the besieged city. A total of 101 airmen, including 31 Americans would loose their lives in this the greatest humanitarian effort in aviation history.

Lt. Gail Halvorsen drops candy from the cockpit of his C-54 Skymaster to a group of children.

Spare Some Change?

2008-06-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

An interesting article in USA Today says airport security screeners collected over a million dollars in left-behind change at the nation's airports over a three year period. Fortunately, the TSA has equipped all airports with a secure drop box where screeners can deposit any money they may find...yeah, right!?!

A Salute To The Line Pilot

2008-06-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

Words Of Wisdom

2008-06-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jock decided to show off.

"Watch this," said the fighter pilot as he promptly executed a barrel role, and then went into a steep climb, breaking the sound barrier.

"What do you think of that?" he asked.

The C-130 pilot replied, "that's pretty impressive, but watch this."

The Herc droned along for another 5 minutes before the pilot came back on the radio and said, "what do think of that?"

Puzzled, the fighter jock asked, "what did you do?"

The cargo pilot chuckled.

"I got up, stretched my legs, went to the restroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."

When your young and foolish, speed and flash might seem important, but when your older and wiser you realize comfort and dull is not such a bad thing either.

And You Want My Vote!?!

2008-06-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

In 2000 John McCain called the pilots of United Airlines "greedy and unpatriotic" for their attempt to improve their labor contract. Maybe I'm being blinded by my greed and lack of patriotism, but I really can't see voting for you after this little tirade. As it turns out, I'm not alone...

Thank You, Herb

2008-05-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

Airline Perks

2008-05-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of The Onion.

Maho Beach, St. Maarten

2008-05-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

In the flying world, St. Maarten is famous for something other than its beaches...

Anything, Anywhere, Anytime

2008-05-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

In the eighties, every kid wanted to fly F-14's off aircraft carriers, now they're actually going to want to fly the "rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong".

As it turns out, the Men's Vogue article about freighter pilots is slated to be made into an "action thriller". What's thrilling about having the runs for four days in Africa? I know not. I lived this life for quite sometime, and I would have to reach to find anything even remotely "thrilling" about it. In fact, we used to refer to it as "dozing for dollars."

I drive my wife crazy because I tend to pick apart Hollywood's futile attempts at getting aviation right. Well, brace yourself, sweetie. You aint heard nothin' yet!

Here's the full story.

10 Most Comfortable Airline Economy Seats

2008-05-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

The folks at geekabout sent me this ranking of the world's top ten economy airline seats. I can vouch for Lufthansa as I spent many long nights commuting back and forth to Germany. Their service is pretty hard to beat.

DEFPOTEC

2008-05-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

Airline pilot myth #1: The old notion of the steely-eyed airline captain whose eyes "see around the world" is a thing of the past. Everything we need to be able to see to safely guide the modern airliner to the runway is displayed on a CRT 24 inches in front of our face. In the old days, however, when anything less than 20/20 uncorrected was thought to be unacceptable, pilots with less than "perfect" vision had to improvise on occasion in order to pass their eye exam.

A few years ago when I was training on the MD-11 I had a simulator instructor who had flown the B707 and the DC-8 at Braniff Airlines, an honest-to-God "old pelican". I was grousing about having to wear glasses to read the 20/20 line during my last flight physical, and had just confessed to the fact that I never wear them in the airplane when this old guy let me in on a old aviator's secret.

"Son," he said as he leaned over the throttle quadrant. "In thirty five years of airline flying I never donned a single pair of eye glasses, and I'm blind as a bat. Always have been."

"And exactly how did you manage three decades of successful eye exams without glasses?"

He smiled at my obvious ignorance.

"Defpotec, son," he said with a sly grin. "Defpotec."

As it turns out, the 20/20 line on all US government eye charts published since the late fifties reads, and has always read, "D E F P O T E C".

Don't believe me? I just did my flight physical yesterday, and was able to get the "must wear corrective lenses" waiver removed from my medical certificate.

I had to laugh when the nurse told me to cover one eye and read the lowest line I could. Heck, why don't I cover both eyes? Dutifully, I placed my hand over my right eye and rattled off D E F P O T E C, switched eyes and repeated the litany.

"My, you have excellent vision."

"Thank you, I always have."

Merger Most Foul

2008-04-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

The new face of US Airlines....

So Long, Northwest Airlines

2008-04-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

While I agree there is excess capacity in the industry today, I sure hate to see a grand old name like Northwest Airlines go out. While surfing the net I came across this eulogy for NWA written by another famous name from the twin cities, Garrison Keillor. God speed, Northwest Airlines, on your last flight west.

Non-Rev Hell

2008-04-15T22:00:00.001-07:00

While it's true airline employees enjoy free travel, it doesn't come without some sort of price. My wife and I have been all over the US and to Europe and back on free and/or service fee only tickets. Sometimes it goes off without a hitch, like the morning we woke up and decided to jump down to San Francisco for lunch on the wharf. However, it can also get very bad very fast. While trying to get to London, we found ourselves stuck in Minneapolis for three days. We did get to see every shop at the Mall of America, but when you're on your way to England the last thing you want to see is another GAP.

I stumbled across this write up that paints a very accurate and humorous picture of non-rev travel. A word of warning: the author tends to use "colorful" language, but if you've ever flown the non-rev express you will completely understand.

A Sad State Of Affairs

2008-04-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Jeff Baily, for writing this article. I'm glad i got into this industry when I did. I would hate to be 18 years old and hooked on flying today.

Freight Dogs

2008-04-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

Usually I'm unimpressed by media coverage of the flying profession, but this article from Men's Vogue Magazine hits the nail on the head. Author Michael Walker takes a close look at the life of a freighter pilot, and, having lived the life for seven years, I can say without a doubt, this is how it is.

Old airplanes, broken or missing equipment, bad weather, middle of the night, fatigue, weeks at a time away from home. This is what being a freight dog is all about. Grounded with a dead starter in Ketchikan Alaska. Grounded with an inop generator in Lusaka, Zambia. Emergency return to Frankfurt, Germany due to a failed inertial reference unit. It's all part of the job description. And hovering over the whole bailiwick like an oppressive task master is the relentless, unforgiving schedule driving you and your crew to move the boxes. Broken airplane? Too bad, move the boxes. Tired? Too bad, move the boxes. Kids have forgotten your name? Too bad, move the boxes. And so it goes.

It's true George Lucas based the Star Wars cantina on pubs around the world where the freighter drivers hang out. I've seen Han Solo and Chewbacca perched on bar stools from the Sandbar in Juneau, Alaska to Fat Boys in Brussels to the Damba Lounge in Accra. These crummy watering holes the world over are like Mecca to freight dogs. There's a Polar 747 crew over there. There's two Gemini MD11 pilots at the end of the bar. Wasn't that so-and-so from Arrow Air smoking a cigarette outside? Sure, I know him. He's a DC-8 driver, right?

It is indeed a tight knit community.

As I sit in my ultra modern Boeing cockpit today preparing to take 140 people to Detroit I am continually aware of the distinct lack of adventure in my job. Then again, that's the way it should be. Airline travel should be, and most definitely is the safest form of transportation in the world. But every now and then, when life becomes hum-drum, I begin to miss those swashbuckling days of driving decrepit freighters around the globe, and a slight smile crosses my face every time I see a ratted out DC-10 stagger into the night sky.

R.I.P. Aloha Airlines

2008-03-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

After 61 years of service, Aloha Airlines will cease operations today. Good luck and God speed to all the employees.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

2008-03-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

My best friend sent me this story about the wartime demise of author Antoine de Saint-Exupery. It's a very sad story as the writings of Saint Ex were among early inspirations for Gann, Buck, Rowe and other aviation heavy weights.

Simple Beauty

2008-03-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

There is no greater beauty than an airplane in flight.

Now This Is How You Marshal A Jet

2008-03-05T08:54:00.000-08:00